Here is my uncomfortable truth. I prefer wandering over following. There is nothing wrong with wandering except when I believe my indiscriminate movement conveys meaning and my restless activity purpose.
I know this is not true. Even with “important” goals, a tightly packed calendar can still be filled with the most meaningless activities.
What makes my wandering so distressing is that I realize this as an unconscious delay to the uncomfortable pause that thinking and feeling require.
I have begun to recognize where the wandering shows up in my life.
Time wandering – When I look back on days or weeks, I can’t tell you what happened because I haven’t recorded or planned some part of the day. I know I have wandered. My routines still exist, but I haven’t made a purpose and have spent my day just responding to everyone else or my random thoughts. I hurry to put up a Christmas tree early but don’t sit still long enough to take in the beauty and silence of it. I absorb all the best of Christmas lists – 101 best Christmas gifts of 2021. Best stocking stuffers, Best camping gifts lists that are curated for people with scarcity and wander in mind.
Money wandering – I rush to the signup button on the latest sparkle of courses or books or podcasts. My input goes off the charts. I have confused beginning with completing: purchasing with reading.
Talent wandering – I pull back and resist following the paths I know help me consistently. I spend time in the work that distracts rather than delights me.
I am not lost but am not enjoying the wandering. Perhaps the wandering would be fine if even a hint of wonder and discovery accompanied it.
My prescription for this current wandering is to stop, be still and see where I am. That is what this coming month of Sabbatical is about. I expect I will wander again. But for now, I am looking forward to a stillness that frees me from the compulsion to wander.
You can learn more about my team’s Sabbatical HERE.
Eager to be still today that I might wander with wonder tomorrow.